Lessons from COPS

I used to watch COPS with my parents a lot. It's simply amazing that the same scenarios can play out over and over again in cities across the nation and be broadcasted on national television without teaching the American people a few valuable lessons. Here are some things to consider before breaking the law.

• If you run, they will catch you. (Or if they don't, they probably won't put it in the show.)
  
• Crying gets you nowhere in violations more serious than a speeding ticket, even if you're a woman (but ESPECIALLY if you're a man).
• Officers of the law HATE being referred to as "dude." "Bro" is probably a mistake as well.
• If convicted of a crime of any nature, your likelihood of recidivism is inversely proportional to the number of teeth the meth hasn't rotted out of your mouth yet.
• "Oh, Lourdy, Lourdy!" is not a valid legal defense. Neither is "Come on, man."
• Don't lie about something that will soon become obvious. For example, if you know there's a rock of cocaine in your glovebox, don't swear to the arresting officers that there's nothing illegal in your vehicle. They won't take your word for it.
• Put a shirt on if you expect to be arrested in the near future. You'll be grateful when your mugshot gets printed.
• With a few exceptions, police officers can lie to you about anything during questioning. They are usually much better at it than you are, and they will almost always win a lying contest. Try it out if you doubt me.

Keep rockin' steady, boys in blue. The quagmire you wade through on a daily basis sure makes for entertaining television.